I HEART SHINHWA <3

Friday, January 05, 2007

@ 5:20 PM

LOADS TO SAY...

there is loads for me to say...to update abt the on-goings of my life now...well..where shld i start?

how abt e start of e unhappiness in my poly life..

well..i hv no idea y this sem is lyk tt la..late for every lect tt starts at 8am in e morning...or rather every morning lect...sian...for wat reason dey start so early...for wat?? sian...den i late lor...wa...not tt i wan to but hello..its sem 2 means i've been working for like so long le...non-stop...as in...every sat n sun...every sat n sun..tired lor...both physically n mentally...imagine la...u hv to study frm mon-fri...long hrs n its really long...den after tt u hv to do proj n assignments...exams...etc etc etc..school life in short..den sat n sun u cant rest..u hv to work..sometimes 10.30am-10pm sometimes 1pm-9pm sometimes 1pm-10pm...u think its easy??? im sorry its hella fucking NO!!! its damn tired lor...trust me...den go hm i hv to do projs again...sian...dun do e nxt day i go sch...my goodness...imagine e reaction frm my frens who are my team members..i say i tired leh...not enuff slp...dey think i toking shit...wth...its true la...nv do is not smth i wan...who dun wan to finish thier work?? who dun wan to faster finish it den can dun care abt it liaoz??? tell me la who dun wan??? i oso wan to get things done i oso wan to be on time for sch...but wth...maybe it may be excuses to some but hello...its not for me..try spending every sat n sun working...mon-fri study..its like totally no rest time for me...not time to relax...no time to de-stress...tis kind of tiring life...half study half work has been gg on for how long le?? let me count..april till now...9 mths...how's tt??? who can take it?? im trying my very best to cope liaoz...for goodness sake be more understanding...den cos i always late..one of my fren cum up wif tis ignoring thing...my goodness!!! ignore ur fren is smth which i think is damn childish n its lyk taking ur frens for granted...u think tt dey will be dere..cum up to u n ask y u lyk tt etc etc etc...dots....i dun lyk to ignore my frens...cos e longer u ignore e further u will drift apart frm ur fren...den u lose 1 fren..even if u patch things up...life wont be e same...so i nv lyk to do this...lyk a taboo to me...k back to e story...fren A starts to ignore me n fren B...why?? cos we r always LATE n always gg home LATE...den sometimes when late SKIP e lect instead...den ignore...to me it was lyk WTH?? for a reason lyk tis?!?!?! den when u start to try to be earlier..fren A starts to tok to u again...den when u late again...ignore again...wat is tis??? some kind of game??? well...me n fren B expressed wat we felt n thought to our other frens n 1 day...confrontation btw e 3 of us n fren C...nite b4 tt day...i told my mum everything n even cried to her...den i felt better...on e day of confrontation...i felt no anger n stuff..i was ok le...so k..case closed...

wondering y go hm late???
reasons: 1. dere is a piece of shit at hm
2. no net at hm
3. sometimes dere's 2 pieces of shit at hm
who's e piece of shit??? dun ask me again...cos it kills to admit such facts...shit 1-eldest bro shit 2-father
ah.....feel disgusted at these facts now...sian....

its a long story y dey r shit...haiz...too long to be told in 1 entry...maybe when i feel lyk it den i tok abt dem in my blog...yucks...it feels lyk dey r dirtying my blog even by mentioning dem...disgusting...

back to poly life...

den fren A n fren C had a conflict some time after e prob btw me n fren B...den ignoring game starts again...wth...den one day...fren A sms fren C n den...whoala...patched up again...but e feeling is still weird...atmosphere...i dunno....den one day..suddenly fren A starts to ignore e whole grp..show attitude...black face...wth...den when asked y she was lyk tt..e ans: nth......
carried on lyk tis for i dunno how long..till 1 fine day...ME finally cannot take it anymore...sms fren D who was wif fren C n E...telling dem tt i wan a CONFRONTATION wif fren A...tis cannot go on...n it was 2 days b4 hols tt i decided on it...dey agreed n so...e nxt day...1 day b4 hols...fren A was behaving like so isolated...lyk we ostracized(watever e spelling..e meaning dere can liaoz..XD) her...sitting alone..walking alone...etc...den we had lunch b4 we did our projs..n she showed attitude thruout oso...haiz...den confrontation starts...first tok abt me n fren B...details later now is fren A...k...we asked her y was she behaving lyk tt for e past wk??? she said nth...omg...everybody scratched our heads in frustration..beat our chest...wa...gek lor....dun wan say dun wan say...expect us to guess..omg...den suddenly!!!! fren F scolded fren A!!! n its really scolding!!! raised her voice n her face was scary!!! but still e same...nth......wa.....can die..wahaha....den fren A said to read her blog..k read...den ask qns again..den i said cos after e time where fren A ignored me n fren B...den patch up...i felt uneasy n so not me when fren A n me converse..den fren F ask fren A if she felt e same...fren F said yes..k..sigh..moved 1 step..wahaha...k...den...eh...tok tok tok...blah blah blah..cant really rmbr now...cos it was b4 hols...haha....den...went lib do proj but probs not solved yet!!! n when we wanted to leave...fren F asked fren A smth i think n fren A gave i dunno...not clear abt tis part...aniwae..main pt is fren F damn fierce n scary sia..wahha...grab her lappy n walked very fast...omg...scary!!!! den spilt into our grps n went diff rooms in lib to do proj..but everybody damn gek sia...in my grp...fren A not in my grp..in e room vent our anger...tok very loud...discuss...express our gek-ness..haha...so funny...den sms e other room...tell dem finish proj come our room cont...den finally prob solved...claps everybody!!! wahaha....den things got back to normal again...thx goodness...haha...XD

k abt me n fren B

y go hm late??? eh...for me...cos i dun lyk to go hm....y??? i dun lyk e ppl i c when i get hm...sorry im not dose fortunate children who are born in fortunate families...my parents may be still together but its oni in e eyes of e law....dey r as gd as divorced...y??? their relationship now sux...juz lyk e relationship btw my father n my famil...sux...rotten relationship now...i dun even tok to my father....tok oni when neccessary tt type...n my bro??? he's as gd as dead to me....useless piece of shit....he is 26 tis yr...achievements in life: 0 ZERO....none in his name....no gf..no wife...no children...thx gdness he is still single...dun create more probs...cant even support himself expect a family frm him???my goodness....he has no stable job...or rather no job at all...26...hp bills??? my mother is paying...or rather..he had a line but didnt pay e bills..so disconnected...now still owe e bill...den now use my mother line n phone...he using but my mother paying...hello!!!! im 18 tis yr...n im paying my hp bills myself...supporting myself....tt's y i work...cos my mother cant afford to support me...as in my expenses...she has enuff debts to clear not to mention paying for my hp bills,expenses...she was forced to resign frm her prev. job by smth damn unfair....tt ladyboss...i hope tt company FOLDS ASAP....den she looked for another job...cashier at a supermarket...part-time...not enuff $$$ earned to pay for e expenses for e family...so..cannot go on...change to her job onw...food court...sell food...better pay...ok...life got slightly a very slight better...better den when she was working as a cashier...now she pays for my transport..bus stamp...k..1 expenses down for me...i pay for my hp bill n expenses..but i dun earn much u noe...$4.30/hr n every sat n sun...y i work??? not for anyone but for MYSELF...no work no $$$...MONEY MAY NOT BE EVERYTHING BUT MONEY IS SOMETHING...den nov i keep sick cannot work...wa tt mth pay damn little sia...cant survive...after paying my hp bill...sian....haiz...oh ya...shit 1(bro) depends on my mother...take $$$ frm my mother n doesnt find a job..when found a job...still wan to sian dong sian xi..complain tis complain tt...wth...O lvl got such a BAD result...cos tt time was his rebellious stage...didnt study hard...took it for granted...wth...still expect much frm others when dere isnt smth in u worth others to gib much...my goodness...quit tt job...den how???? who gg to support u? my MOTHER...omg....how useless...26 yrs old...spends every single day at hm...morning to night...7 days a wk...24 hrs a day...USELESS.....plays game every single day..my mother scolded him in chi..everyday play tt game like it will grow money for u like tt....haha...nice one mama!!!!haha...n my father..selfish piece of shit...my goodness...i dunno how to describe it...or maybe im getting kinda lazy now...long story...really...LONG story....in short...dey r SHITS!!!! e top 2 ppl in my list whom i DETEST!!!! who wans to go hm n c tt shit 1...it smells.......n e moment i step into e hse...throw temper...show attitude....y??? cos im hm.....who wans to receive tt kind of thing EVERY SINGLE DAY??? ignore him la ignore him la...ppl might say...but sorry....ignore 1 day...2 days....EVERY DAY i will CRACK UP.....so I HATE GOING HOME...........i dun hv a happy family....i dun hv a rich family...i dun hv a worries-free family...i envy those happy families i see when i work or walk along e streets or among my frens....those families where the siblings are close n in good relationships wif each other....e parents loving n caring to e children n family....SORRY I DUN HV THOSE.....................................................................................

n now sch...recent events which make me feel lyk screaming STOP IT!!! regarding PROJECTS...INDIVIDUAL WORK.....its my life...i live it my way...k...i muz think of my oter members and how dey feel when i did not do my ind work on time...etc....i noe n i got think...spare a thought for others....ya...I NOE...im not a kid...i noe how dey would feel....but keep repeating it......I'M SO SICK N TIRED OF ALL THESE...its irritating me....FOREVER ITS OUR FAULT....FOREVER ITS ON OUR PART TO THINK OF HOW THEY WOULD FEEL...but WHAT ABOUT US??? how we FEEL??? when such attitude...reaction keeps on repeating....i dunno how to phrase it to exactly phrase how i feel...wat im not happy abt...k....i rmbr le...wif sum helpful reminders frm fren B...I LIVE NOT ONLY FOR YOUTUBE...YOUTUBE IS NOT EVERYTHING....YOUTUBE IS NOT THE ONLY POINT I AM LIVING IN THIS WORLD FOR...i dun like it when im seriously doin my work n when fren C called me..i told her tt i was doin my ind work..she totally didnt believe n insists tt i've been youtube-ing....wth.....so my efforts now is SHIT oso la....den wat for ASK??? when tt is wat u already DEEPLY BELIEVE IN.....might as well keep on believing n dun ask me......think wat u already THOUGHT....doin my projs...ind work...assignment is not for ANYONE...but for MYSELF...when i hvn do my part...i dun need to see any faces...any attitude....hello....its not e END OF THE WORLD...n its still some time to the due date...WHY IS IT ALWAYS ONLY OUR FAULT??? THINK ABOUT US....HOW WE FEEL....we FEEL too.....its like...i dunno if wat i typed has really expressed how i feel but...i hope somehow it did...cos..if i dun let it out somehow...i would feel so....feel like SCREAMING...CRACK UP..cant take it anymore...BE MORE UNDERSTANDING...there are so MANY things in LIFE to do...n for me there's alot...WORK,SCHOOL,n i hv to go HOME n face SHITS....yucks...when i cant get things done, i hv e reasons...REASONS...not EXCUSES....im not BULLSHITTING...dun look at me or treat wat i say as TOTAL CRAP...tt seriously PISS me...its like...i dunno how to say..juz BAD...

CONCLUSION: BE MORE UNDERSTANDING..THINK ABOUT OTHERS N NOT ALWAYS YOU, YOURSELF N YOU...DUN EXPECT THINGS TO PROCEED AS HOW U WANT IT TO BE...COS THERE ISNT ONLY YOU ARD...THINK ABT E THINGS TT OTHERS HAVE TO DO...NEED TO DO...PLS FOR GOODNESS SAKE DUN FORCE US..STRESS US..EXPECT US TO LIVE OUR LIFE YOUR WAY...COS IM SORRY BUT ITS OUR LIFE..............

abt gg home...i noe tt im very fortunate to hv a roof over my head...whole family stayong together..i hv my father n mother still living in this world...which is a blessing n smth so much more fortunate then others...i shld be grateful tt i hv a home to go back to cos some ppl in this world...in SG not hving a home...a complete family...I CHERISH WHAT I HAVE...I CHERISH WHAT IS WORTH CHERISH-ING...i love my mother n my sister...i cherish dem...but i v no feelings towards my father n brother...i dun hate dem or love dem...juz 2 HUMAN BEINGS IN MY LIFE....AT HOME...but still i dun like to go home n see them dere..i cant possibly lock myself in my room FOREVER...i cant possibly PRETEND TT THEY DON EXIST IN MY LIFE...THEY DO...N DISGUST GROWS IN ME WHENEVER I SEE THEM...i wonder sometimes how will i react when 1 day they really dun exist anymore.....i hv no idea...i dun even noe if i will cry for them.........i really seriously dunno....dun ask me...cos i dun hv the answer.........

i noe perhaps some frens when reading this entry might feel offended or stuff like tt....but SORRY....i've juz got to let it go from me.....its killing me to keep it INSIDE....dun ask me to repeat...cos i cant...once i've voiced abt it...i wont noe wat i've said....as in forget....SORRY IF THIS ENTRY OFFENDS ANYONE....BUT I JUZ GOT TO LET IT GO...SERIOUSLY.....

I HEART SHINHWA <3